1. The one who cuts you off on the right… then stops right in front of you
The type who overtakes you like they’re racing for a spot on the podium, only to slam on the brakes 2 meters at a light or to double-check their GPS. Result: you almost turned them into a bumper sticker on your shopping cart.
2. The duo cruising side by side and blocking the whole lane
Often two friends (or a couple) who think they’re the only ones on the road. They chat away casually, blocking both lanes, while you’re zigzagging in desperation, muttering curses under your breath. But hey, since we’ve all done it at least once without realizing (come on, admit it), we forgive this kind of folks.
3. The one who rides at night without lights, dressed in black, without a helmet, without life insurance
You can't see him. You can't hear him. You can almost feel him. He’s there, like a ninja on the road, ready to risk it all just to get to his after-party at Zorba.
4. The smoking cyclist
Because if you're going to speed, you might as well pollute your own air. He pedals with one hand on the handlebars while the other holds a cigarette, which inevitably ends up in your eye with the next gust of wind.
5. The DJ on wheels
With a speaker attached to his bike frame, he shares his musical vibe with you: it’s either hard-hitting rap or hardtech. So, when it's a Saturday night heading to a party, it's cool, but when it’s a Monday morning at 8am, we're a little less enthusiastic.
6. The one who thinks the bike lane is his private gym
He’s wearing tight shorts, has a heart rate monitor, and carries the arrogance of a CrossFit coach. He zooms past you, breathing heavily (and very close), as if to remind you that you’re not as fit as he is.
I haven't done squats since 2019.7. The One-Handed Cyclist
Turning signal? Hand out? Too mainstream. This one turns left or right like in Mario Kart, without warning, without a care. Bonus: they give you a side-eye when you get annoyed.
8. The One Who Insults Everyone (Especially You)
Dared to step on the bike lane to cross? A crime! Expect a "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, YOU CRAZY PERSON?!" shouted just 3 mm from your ear, followed by a bell ring that gives you a mini heart attack. The road belongs to them, and we are just dust.
9. The Tourist on a Vélib' Without a Care in the World
They were told that Paris is better by bike. So they took a Vélib’, set Google Maps to walking mode, and zoomed onto the sidewalks, going the wrong way or right into your ankle. Often recognized by a poorly fitted helmet and a panicked look.
10. The team "I have headphones and I don’t care about the whole world"
You can shout, honk, make gestures… nothing works. He or she is in their own world, probably listening to a podcast about permaculture or NLP. And when it almost ends in a collision? It’s still your fault.
11. The cyclist who thinks a red light is just a suggestion
The light turns red, the cars stop… except for him. The average Parisian cyclist sees a red light as a "suggestion." He charges through, weaving between two grannies and a dog, all while giving you a judgmental look as if you were the one in the wrong.
12. The one who honks like a taxi driver
Yes, they exist. They have a turbo horn, or even a truck horn. They use it as if pedestrians' lives depended on it. And especially, their own.
13. The cyclist who talks on the phone with it in hand
No earpiece, no holder, just one hand holding their iPhone to their ear like it's 2005, while the other desperately tries to keep balance. Next step: texting while going downhill.
14. The lazy cyclist who enters the street the wrong way (but really slowly)
"If I go slowly, it will be fine, right?" they think. They ride at 3 km/h, staring at you with sad, puppy-like eyes and waiting for you to move aside. Generally, you do.
15. The cyclist who carries the impossible
A dresser, a ladder, a dog pulling on a harness, a 2-meter tall houseplant... Nothing stops them, and we’re extremely worried for them until their inevitable fall.
```Laughing, in slow motion.
Bikers, we still love you! Because you help clean up the city's air a bit, you're often nicer than scooters, and in an ideal world, we'd all be riding along, hair blowing in the wind, with a bell ringing out love.
