It's not easy to take the step and go see a sex therapist to confide in about intimate problems. So we did the work for you and we called on Claire Alquier, a sex therapist and couples therapist in Paris, to shed light on the mystery of the most commonly asked questions in a sex therapist's office.
The question of normality
Claire Alquier: In general, the question of normality comes up a lot. How do I experience my intimacy compared to others? Am I normal to have desire or not have desire? My patients often have a need for reassurance. "I don't feel connected to my desires" is a common concern, especially among women between 25 and 45 who haven't yet let go.
I organize group workshops with an association called the "Feminine Cabinet of Curiosities." There are two of us leading the workshops and we address different themes. We work on debunking beliefs and exploring how we position ourselves in our own sexuality.
In relation to our culture, our education, and religion? Freedom of speech is essential for a fulfilling sexual life. The loss of desire in a couple. How to remedy it? Claire Alquier: Questions about libido are of course often discussed. Relationships that have been a bit damaged. It varies from case to case, there is no absolute truth, but there are many ingredients that can foster desire. During my consultations, I mainly address the topic of not feeling guilty. Sexuality is never linear, it depends on encounters, family life... everything contributes to or fuels desire. Let's stop feeling guilty, wanting to perform. If both want to change and rediscover their sexuality, they need to find...Being intimate is such a beautiful thing. It's about playing with eroticism and fantasy, and exploring sensations. It's all about that element of surprise that tends to fade over time. So why not give yourselves a special evening, something out of the ordinary? Set up a romantic setting with candles... reconnect with the sense of touch, reconnect your bodies. For couples who have been together for a long time, I recommend working on your words: erotic writing may not come naturally to everyone, but it can be incredibly helpful. Literature and culture can inspire a desire to be with each other. Going to the theater, visiting an erotic exhibition, or exploring pleasure can be very effective in shifting the focus away from sexual problems and reigniting desire.Can we be fulfilled without sexual intercourse?
Claire Alquier: If we take the example of couples who come to see me saying "we don't have sex often enough". By understanding how a couple functions, I realize that they may not necessarily need it. The problem mainly arises from the discordance between the two individuals: when one wants it and the other doesn't. If they are okay with having intercourse once every 6 months, that's great! Otherwise, the effort required may be difficult to tolerate. If it's once a week and it's not enough, that's when we talk about it. The idea is to be on the same wavelength.
How to overcome infidelity?
Claire Alquier: It's a broad topic. It can be a one-time occurrence in a relationship, a whole double life, or chronic infidelity. But it all depends on the agreement established between the two people in the couple. Fidelity comes from love, but according to the agreement, it also involves sexual exclusivity. Some people stay together despite everything because there are many aspects that keep them together: children, marriage...
The problem is that infidelity is often discovered. There, there is a double feeling of betrayal. The lie is much more devastating for a couple. So the question to ask is: what is the priority? To stay together despite everything? To be honest?
I have worked quite a bit on male gay sexuality, especially on relationships with multiple partners. The basic agreement they often have is...
In a study comparing gay and heterosexual couples, it was found that non-exclusive couples stay together longer and are more stable. So once again, honesty seems to be the winner.
Tricks to be better in bed?
Claire Alquier: I don't want to give tips: first, you need to determine where your pleasure lies. By being curious about yourself, you will be better with others. Masturbation is necessary. Communication is also important. Even for a one-night stand! It's not the 3-step guide to a perfect blowjob... (laughs) One piece of advice: keep an open mind.